Finding Your Voice After You’ve Spent Years Losing Yourself
I know what it feels like to lose your voice. I have had so many chapters in my life where I was focused so closely on surviving, understanding and pleasing other people, and getting through something with the hope that I could come back to me when it was over.
I have spent many years self-abandoning, sometimes without even realizing it.
I never stopped to ask myself why.
Or, actually, I would constantly ask why, but come to realize that I live in a system that rewards self-abandonment under the guise of “growth” or “success” or “maturity” or other euphemisms.
We are praised for being easygoing when we tolerate things that hurt us. We are told we are growing when we learn to function within environments that may not be good for us. We call it maturity when we become better at swallowing what we really want to say. We call it success when we override our bodies in pursuit of the next accomplishment.
Of course, growth sometimes is uncomfortable. Maturity does require compromise. Success requires discipline. I don’t think every uncomfortable experience is a sign that we are betraying ourselves.
But I have started to wonder about the line between growing through discomfort and becoming increasingly skilled at abandoning yourself.
I think I crossed that line many times without knowing it and also intentionally and knowingly.
I’ve experienced trauma, addiction, unhealthy relationship dynamics, and periods of my life where survival took precedence over self-expression. Looking back, I don’t think losing myself happened in one dramatic moment.
It happened gradually.
It happened when I questioned my own instincts. When I looked outside of myself for answers I probably already had somewhere inside of me. When understanding someone else became easier than understanding myself. And when coping mechanisms that helped me survive one chapter eventually became things I had to learn to live without.
Years later, I find it almost poetic that so much of my life now revolves around voice.
I sing. I write songs. I speak up when injustice occurs. I work with people around empowerment, creativity, recovery, and reconnecting with themselves. I’ve spent years studying human behavior academically and professionally while simultaneously learning how to understand my own.
And somewhere along the way, I started to realize that finding your voice has very little to do with how loudly you speak.
Sometimes, it’s about finally being able to hear yourself.
You Can Be Expressive and Still Lose Your Voice
When we talk about someone “losing their voice,” we might picture someone who never speaks up.
But I don’t think it’s always that obvious.
You can be outspoken and still abandon yourself.
You can be creative and still censor what you actually want to create.
You can understand everyone around you and have absolutely no idea what you need.
You can become incredibly good at reading other people while becoming increasingly disconnected from yourself.
For some people, that might look like people-pleasing. For others, perfectionism, numbing, overworking, seeking reassurance, staying in relationships that require them to shrink, or constantly analyzing themselves in an attempt to finally become “good enough.”
I think sometimes we become so good at adapting that adaptation starts to feel like our personality.
And then comes a much harder question:
Which parts of me are actually me, and which parts developed because I needed them to survive?
The Things That Helped You Survive Aren’t Necessarily Who You Are
One thing I’ve had to learn is that I don’t have to hate previous versions of myself in order to outgrow them.
A lot of our coping mechanisms make sense when we understand where they came from.
People-pleasing can help preserve connection.
Hyper-independence can protect us from disappointment.
Numbing can give temporary relief from emotions we don’t know how to hold yet.
Perfectionism can make us feel like maybe, if we just do everything correctly, we’ll finally be safe.
Even analyzing everything can become a way of trying to understand something before we’re ready to actually feel it.
That doesn’t mean every coping strategy is healthy. And understanding where a behavior comes from doesn’t mean we don’t have responsibility for changing it.
But I think there’s a big difference between taking responsibility for yourself and shaming yourself for who you had to become to survive.
Something can protect you during one chapter of your life and prevent you from fully living the next one.
And sometimes I wonder how many of the qualities we celebrate in ourselves—being endlessly accommodating, productive, resilient, independent—are actually qualities we learned because at one point we didn’t believe we had another option.
That doesn’t make those qualities bad. But it does make them worth examining.
Recovery Gave Me the Opportunity to Meet Myself Again
Something I’ve learned through recovery is that removing something from your life doesn’t automatically tell you what belongs in its place.
There can be a lot of rebuilding.
Who am I without the thing I used to escape?
What do I actually enjoy?
What kinds of relationships do I want?
What do I believe?
What kind of life am I actually trying to create?
For me, recovery has involved much more than abstaining from substances. It has involved learning how to stay present with myself.
And creativity became a huge part of that.
Music gave me somewhere to put experiences that I didn’t always know how to explain.
That’s one of my favorite things about songwriting. I can take something painful, confusing, infuriating, embarrassing, funny, beautiful, or completely unresolved and turn it into something outside of myself.
Once something becomes a song, I get to interact with it differently.
I can change the ending. I can exaggerate it. I can find the humor in it. I can make it beautiful. I can decide what it means.
I can turn something that once made me feel powerless into something I created.
Maybe that’s part of why I’ve always been so drawn to art. It gives us somewhere to put the things that are too complicated to fit neatly into words.
And music and my music can help others, too.
My Literal Voice Became Part of Finding My Metaphorical One
I love that “finding your voice” is both metaphorical and completely literal for me. I spent so many years self-abandoning, beyond what our culture already naturally pushes so many of us to do, that in order to find my voice, I had to actually use it. I had to practice it physically through somatic voice work.
This largely took the form of singing.
Singing requires breath.
It requires your body.
It requires making sound and allowing that sound to take up space.
It requires being heard.
And if you’ve spent years learning to shrink, appease, perform, disconnect, or protect yourself, taking up that kind of space can actually feel pretty vulnerable.
Working with my own voice has also taught me something that applies far beyond music:
More force doesn’t always create a better result.
More speed doesn’t get you there faster.
More striving for perfection doesn’t make you more worthy of being liked.
This is something I personally have to learn over and over again.
Sometimes pushing harder actually makes things harder.
A healthy voice requires awareness, breath, support, rest, technique, patience, and knowing when to push versus when pushing is exactly the problem.
I think people are similar.
Finding your voice doesn’t necessarily mean becoming louder, tougher, more assertive, or confident all the time.
Sometimes it’s admitting something hurt you.
Sometimes it’s changing your mind.
Sometimes it’s saying no without writing a five-paragraph explanation afterward.
Sometimes it’s creating something just because you like it.
Sometimes it’s allowing yourself to want something that other people don’t understand.
Sometimes it’s rejecting diet culture.
Sometimes it’s speaking up.
And sometimes it’s realizing that the answer you keep searching for outside of yourself has been quietly repeating itself inside of you.
Sometimes the Body Knows Before We Have the Words
We can understand something intellectually and still struggle to actually live it.
You can know you’re allowed to set a boundary and still feel terrified when you do.
You can understand why a relationship wasn’t good for you and still miss the person.
You can logically know you’re safe while your body is preparing for something to go wrong.
You can know exactly what you want to say and feel your throat tighten when it’s finally time to say it.
That’s part of why I’ve become so interested in approaches that go beyond thinking our way through everything.
Meditation, somatic voice work, Reiki, creativity, songwriting, movement, recovery work, coaching, depth work, and spiritual practices can all be very different doorways into ourselves.
And not every doorway is going to be right for every person.
I actually think that’s the point.
There Isn’t One Right Way Back to Yourself
I think I used to be much more interested in finding the answer.
Now I’m much more interested in discovering what works for the individual person.
Human beings are complicated. I don’t believe there is one healing practice, philosophy, therapeutic approach, spiritual practice, or creative exercise that is going to be right for everyone.
What helps you reconnect with yourself during one chapter might not be what you need during another.
Maybe you need to talk.
Maybe you need to create.
Maybe you need community.
Maybe you need to spend some time alone.
Maybe you need to learn something completely new.
Or maybe you’ve spent so much time trying to improve yourself that what you actually need is permission to stop working on yourself for five minutes and just be.
And I think this is where the difference between growth and self-abandonment becomes important again.
Growth should expand your capacity to be yourself, not require you to disappear.
There will absolutely be times when growth asks us to tolerate discomfort, hear something we don’t want to hear, take accountability, compromise, or do things we would rather avoid. But I don’t think the purpose of growth is to become infinitely tolerant of circumstances that disconnect us from ourselves.
The point isn’t to perfectly follow somebody else’s path back to themselves.
It’s to become curious about what brings you closer to you.
So, What Does Your Voice Actually Sound Like?
If you’ve spent years adapting to other people, you might not immediately know.
I think that’s okay.
Maybe finding your voice starts with smaller questions:
What do I want when nobody else is answering the question?
Where am I saying yes while something inside of me is saying no?
Which parts of myself only come out when I feel completely safe?
What am I afraid would happen if I became more visible?
What would I create if nobody were going to judge it?
Whose voice do I hear when I criticize myself?
And maybe my favorite:
When was the last time I sounded like myself?
You don’t have to know all the answers immediately.
Learning to hear yourself is a practice.
Maybe You Were Never Voiceless
I don’t think finding your voice means creating a completely new version of yourself.
Maybe it’s less about becoming someone and more about removing enough noise to recognize who has been there all along.
I’m still learning what my own voice sounds like.
As an artist. As a helping professional, an associate social worker. As a woman. As someone in recovery. As someone who has survived things, outgrown things, created things, gotten things wrong, started over, and changed her mind more than once.
And I think that’s important, too.
There probably isn’t some final, perfectly healed version of ourselves waiting at the end of all this work.
Our voices are allowed to evolve with us.
The goal doesn’t have to be becoming so healed, self-aware, spiritual, successful, or confident that you never lose touch with yourself again.
Maybe the goal is learning to notice when you have—and knowing how to find your way back.
Your voice isn’t just worth hearing. It’s worth building a life around.
If you’re ready to reconnect with your own voice and Self, I can help you explore what your body, intuition, spirit, soul, and being may have known all along.
I am so looking forward to connecting with you.
Let’s connect.
Love,
Paige Raskin
Paige Raskin offers an individualized, concierge approach to trauma-informed women’s holistic empowerment coaching. Her work is bespoke and tailored to the individual and may incorporate creative and wellness modalities, including somatic voice work, songwriting, creative exploration, consulting and business support, meditation, Reiki, and IFS-informed self-exploration..
Coaching and wellness services are non-clinical and are not psychotherapy, medical care, or substitutes for mental health or medical treatment.. IFS-informed coaching and self-exploration are not IFS psychotherapy. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis or need clinical treatment, please seek support from an appropriately licensed healthcare professional.
Setting Boundaries and Sticking to Them: A Trauma-Informed Approach
In our fast-paced world, the concept of boundaries often feels abstract or even daunting. For those of us who have experienced trauma, setting and maintaining boundaries can be particularly challenging. This blog post explores the importance of boundaries, how trauma influences our relationship with them, and practical steps to establish and uphold them. It’s a lot more complex than what I am about to lay out here but I think this can still be an initial step/ idea for a pathway of navigating boundaries.
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries define where one person ends and another begins. They protect our emotional, physical, and mental space, allowing us to maintain a sense of safety and well-being. Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, providing clarity and mutual respect.
The Impact of Trauma
Trauma can deeply affect how we perceive and establish boundaries. Individuals who have experienced trauma might struggle with:
1. Overstepping Boundaries
Past experiences may lead to a lack of awareness about personal limits, making it difficult to recognize when someone is infringing upon our space.
2. Fear of Rejection
Many survivors fear that asserting their boundaries will lead to rejection or conflict, causing them to avoid setting limits altogether.
3. Difficulty Trusting Others
Trauma can create an environment of mistrust, making it hard to feel safe enough to establish boundaries with others.
Understanding these challenges is the first step toward healing and reclaiming our ability to set boundaries effectively.
Steps to Set and Maintain Boundaries
1. Reflect on Your Needs
Start by identifying what you need for your emotional and physical well-being. Consider what makes you feel safe, respected, and comfortable. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this reflection.
2. Communicate Clearly
When you’re ready, communicate your boundaries to others. Use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you need. For example, “I need some quiet time to recharge” is clearer and less confrontational than “You’re always too loud.”
3. Practice Assertiveness
Setting boundaries is an act of self-advocacy. Practice assertive communication by standing firm in your needs while remaining respectful of others. Remember, your needs are valid.
4. Anticipate Resistance
Be prepared for pushback. Some people may not respect your boundaries initially. Stay consistent and reinforce your limits gently but firmly.
5. Self-Care
Establishing boundaries can be emotionally taxing, especially for those with trauma histories. Engage in self-care practices that promote relaxation and resilience, such as mindfulness, meditation, or physical activity.
6. Seek Support
Consider reaching out to a therapist or support group. Professional guidance can provide valuable strategies and a safe space to navigate your feelings about boundaries.
Sticking to Your Boundaries
Once boundaries are set, the next challenge is maintaining them. Here are some strategies:
Regular Check-Ins
Reassess your boundaries periodically to ensure they still align with your needs. Life changes, and so can your boundaries.
Accountability Partners
Share your boundary-setting journey with someone you trust. They can offer support and encouragement when you feel tempted to waver.
Be Compassionate with Yourself
Understand that boundary-setting is a skill that takes time to develop. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this process.
With all that being said…
Setting and maintaining boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care, especially for those who have experienced trauma. By understanding the impact of trauma on boundaries and implementing practical strategies, it will be easier to stick to and uphold the boundaries and create a healthier, more respectful environment for yourself and those around you. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your needs and assert your limits. You are deserving of safety and respect. Your needs are unique and important
Connections help and heal and can be a good way pathway to practice our boundaries in a safe relational container.
With love,
Paige
Let’s connect.
Betrayal, Betrayal Trauma and Moving Towards Healing
What is Betrayal?
Betrayal is a type of trauma and occurs when an individual, group, institution, political framework, parent, or authority figure breaks the theoretical agreement, trust, and understanding of the intended relationship between the parties. Betrayal is an immensely painful, confusing, difficult and complex emotional experience that has effects extending beyond emotionality.
Betrayal can occur through action, inaction, neither or both, and due to this, betrayal affects everyone differently, which often causes profound confusion and isolation for victims. Betrayal trauma may impact multiple areas of life and can lead to mental and physical health conditions.
When betrayal is experienced in the form of an entrusted individual that is relied upon for support, such as a parent, institution or authority figure failing to act or provide protection, this often creates a secondary trauma, sometimes referred to as sanctuary trauma.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal is a type of trauma through the lens of Betrayal Trauma Theory, postulated in 1994 by Jennifer Freyd that seeks to address betraying circumstances when people or institutions that a person depends on for support, protection, and essential needs violate the trust and welfare of that person. In this regard, betrayal trauma is a type of interpersonal relational trauma.
Where Do We Often See Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma can be experienced through many different pathways and situations.
The following are just some examples of who often experiences betrayal trauma.
Victims of child sexual abuse
Victims of parents who struggle with substance abuse and include children in substance abuse behaviors
Victims of institutional betrayal, such as an educational or legal institution failing to follow their policies and procedures, or the military failing to take sexual abuse reports seriously
Victims of moderate to severe child neglect
Victims of emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, psychological and other forms of abuse by a caregiver, close friend, partner, authority figure or institution
Victims of grooming relationships
Victims of betrayal within sugar dating relationships, sex worker relationships and other nonconforming relationships
Spouses and partners of individuals who have cheated on the other person, or betrayed their trust
Victims of domestic violence
Victims of narcissistic abuse
Victims of spiritual/religious abuse
Victims who are newcomers and/or not sober in 12-step programs who become romantically and/or sexually involved with other members who may have more time and/or sobriety
Victims of retaliation
Victims of the court system
Victims of racial trauma
Victims of health discrimination due to race, size, gender, class or other characteristics
The list can keep going. Betrayal trauma is very real and when compounded with other mental health disorders, trauma and/or addiction, its consequences are more severe.
What Are Some Common Effects of Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal is an immensely painful, confusing, difficult and complex emotional experience that has effects extending beyond emotionality.
Betrayal Trauma Theory emphasizes the role that betrayal plays as a precursor for the development of dissociation, which ultimately serves a survival purpose to keep the victim in the relationship with the abuser. This can be extremely detrimental for those who are in abusive relationships and not able to leave because in order to remain in the relationship, victims of betrayal trauma often will experience dissociative amnesia or other dissociative experiences to block the pain experienced in the relationship.
Extensive research has shown significant links between the development of significant betrayal trauma and dissociative and traumatic disorders, such as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Additionally, it’s been linked to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), stress related and adjustment disorders, dissociative disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis and psychotic features, eating disorders and substance use disorders. This is not to say that anyone who experiences a betrayal trauma will develop any of these aforementioned disorders (i don’t like labels fyi just as a side note. You are human); however, the likelihood increases in relationship with the duration, intensity and level of reliance the individual places on the caregiver, authority figure or institution.
Facilitating Healing From Betrayal Trauma
It is therefore crucial to seek early intervention when experiencing betrayal trauma and take steps to help yourself heal from the betrayal trauma and get support in an environment that allows you to feel safe, heard, seen and listened to.
Meaningful, Deep, Authentic Connections
A crucial aspect of healing from betrayal trauma is finding someone with whom you can have a connection with who you can trust wholeheartedly. I am a firm believer that deep, meaningful and authentic connections can be major sources of healing. Therefore, I recommend speaking with a close friend or confidant. If you are having difficulty trusting anyone, perhaps speak with a licensed mental health professional who is bound ethically to confidentiality and other regulations. Another alternative can be speaking with a mental health coach, particularly one who is trauma informed. It may be beneficial to find a coach or therapist with lived experience of recovering from betrayal trauma.
Try to Avoid Self-Blaming and Shaming - It Is Not Your Fault!
This is easier said than done, but it is extremely necessary that victims of betrayal trauma work on removing feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, and other limiting beliefs out of their cognitive schemas and instead work on integrating new, healthy and positive beliefs about themselves. One way to do this is the moment a negative, limiting thought or belief comes into mind, pause and take a deep breath, and say to yourself “I do not want to have this thought right now because it is not useful or conducive to my healing. I am releasing this thought until it is safe to talk about it and process it.” Then, follow up by telling yourself how strong you are, or whatever other positive affirmations make you feel good. It helps, trust me!
Practice Self-Care
You have probably heard this one enough, but it is also important. But, how can I practice self-care when I feel so ill and fatigued and terrible after everything I have experienced? The answer is you can, but it will just take some extra effort and you will just have to start out slow. Some self-care practices I enjoy, especially during periods of rumination or excessive worry about betrayal trauma experiences I have had are to:
Go on a walk outdoors or do an indoor walking meditation
Watch a 10 minute or so guided meditation YouTube video
Take a cold or hot shower, whatever floats your boat!
Wash my face
Play with my animals
Call someone on the phone
Take some deep breaths
Read an uplifting or neutral book
Draw, paint, do art or make a vision board
Tapping technique (I will possibly make a video on this soon!)
Organize an area of my living space
Drink some water and eat some vibrant fruits or veggies
Sing songs out loud even if it sucks + dance when nobody is watching
Take a nice bath
Do a face mask or skincare routine
Go get nails, hair, massage, facial or some other service done
Sit in the sunlight and sunbathe
Allow Yourself to Feel The Anger and The Pain
People who have been through betrayal trauma often are not allowed to express their emotions or have been denied the ability to be heard, listened to and taken seriously or protected. Because of this, anger, sadness, pain and other emotions have been suppressed and have not been properly released from the body. Try to allow yourself to cry, or to sit with your anger and notice the pain and tell yourself as different feelings and sensations come up that you are safe and you are loved and you are going to be okay, and then just pour your heart out in tears if you need to and scream into a pillow. It’s ok to scream and cry for a long time! Let it out. Hug yourself, too!
Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Forgiveness
It is important to be kind to yourself throughout the process of healing from betrayal trauma. Being kind looks like allowing yourself to feel, cry, and experience emotions when they come up without judgment or avoidance. It looks like nurturing your body and mind with foods and thoughts that make you feel good and not bad about yourself. It means saying positive self-affirmations and nice things to yourself when negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts occur. It means forgiving yourself most importantly for feeling behind everyone else, or feeling like your pain has caused so many others pain, or feeling responsible for some aspect of what happened even though it wasn’t your fault. You have to let go of any of these self-accusatory and demeaning beliefs, and focus on forgiving yourself for all the time you think you may have wasted. You haven’t wasted anything. You are healing and healing takes a long time. Not many people talk about just how hard it is to heal and that healing is actually painful at times and not pleasant. So, please, just be kind to yourself. Mantras and affirmations are really good for this!
So… With All That Being Said…
Experiencing betrayal is traumatic and can cause profound difficulties with coping, stress, life, and even cause mental and physical ailments. It is hurtful and very confusing to go through betrayal in any form.
But, you are not alone.
You will get through this and come out the other side. Also, remember that connections are incredibly important!
Practice taking care of yourself and the way you treat yourself so that the negative effects can be avoided as much as possible of experiencing betrayal trauma. Do not betray yourself and further perpetuate the betrayal trauma. You are worty and deserving of love, self-love and healing. You absolutely deserve nurturing relationships, genuine care and support, and emotionally available people in your life. Seek help from a professional when necessary. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to rest. If you can not find a close friend or someone you trust to confide in about what you are feeling and experiencing, I would like to invite you to explore attending a support group, or meeting with a trauma recovery coach, or a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma.
Let’s connect.
(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is constituted as medical, therapeutic or professional advice, this is just information).
Using Self-Affirmations in Daily Life
“I suck at everything.”
“I will never be good enough.”
“I wish my life wasn’t so hard.”
“I forgot to pay my phone bill, I am such an idiot.”
“I haven’t achieved anything in my life. I am so worthless.”
Many of us have negative thoughts and beliefs about ourselves like these. We often can be oblivious to how much the way we talk to ourselves affects our mood and outlook on life. However, the things we say to ourselves throughout the day have a rippling effect in that the beliefs we have about ourselves often lead to emotions and those emotions often lead to shaped behavior. For example, if we are always thinking “I am not good enough” or “I am such a failure” we are most likely going to feel worthless, sad, shameful and negative. When we feel negative and bad about ourselves, we may be less likely to take proactive actions to take care of our health, we may exercise less, we may be more agitated - all of which can have a negative rippling effect on our relationships. Another example of how this rippling effect extends is let’s say we feel like we are a failure or not good enough (or whatever the unhelpful negative belief is), and then we start to feel more depressed, and then so we isolate from friends, and then being in isolation we develop another belief “oh wow I have no friends checking up on me” and then we feel again like “I am a failure and no one likes me” and then we will sit in self-pity, internalize the belief more, feel more negative feelings, and then act in ways that affirm that belief. This is why negative self-talk is incredibly unhelpful and even harmful. It can create a vicious cycle that is almost impossible to break free from.
This is where positive self-affirmations come in to play. How else can we reverse the negative rippling effects of a negative outlook, negative self-talk, and a lack of self-compassion towards ourselves?
Affirmations are phrases, statements, quotes, or mantras that act as a declaration to help shift negative self-talk and negative beliefs into more productive, helpful, positive beliefs. In this way, affirmations sort of act as a compassionate inner voice that responds in moments of stress, feelings of inadequacy, or otherwise being in a situation where our default function is to usually beat ourselves up. Affirmations can be said mentally to ourselves, written down, or said out loud. I sometimes like to sing my affirmation into a cool rhythm and make a funny song out of it. It gets my mind out of that place of beating myself up and into a playful, happy place.
Affirmations can be used before a presentation, to improve self-esteem, to control frustration, anxiety and impatience, to improve productivity (I always tell myself "I love blogging” when I write blog posts to help me get in the rhythm), to push through a strenuous workout, to complete an assignment, to get over a break up… I mean really affirmations can be used everywhere.
A mantra is a form of affirmation that uses the present tense most commonly. An example of a mantra could be “I have everything I need” or “I am okay” or “I effortlessly attract everything I need in life”.
A affirmation that I like to use that was helpful to me when I had low motivation and lower self-esteem was “I am doing the best I can, and I know things will get better. I am patient”. The reason I didn’t frame this affirmation with saying “I know things are getting better” is because sometimes when we feel hopeless and like there is no way out of how we are feeling, I have found it (and studies have shown it too) to be make me feel worse because it sets up a disagreement between the positive state I desire and the negative feelings that I am currently experiencing. I find it more helpful to say “I am patient” because it recognizes the feelings that I am currently in and sets up the stage for me to welcome in positivity.
I don’t know if this made sense? But hopefully…
Anyways talk soon.
Love, Paige
My 5 Favorite Breathwork Practices
About Breathwork
Breathwork has its origins in yoga practice and involves intentional breathing exercises and practices. It involves intentionally directing the breath through various breathing exercises which are useful in enhancing physical, mental and spiritual health. Using breathwork techniques and interventions has been associated with improved mood, decreased stress and anxiety, improved sleep, improved digestion, boosted immunity, stronger respiratory function, better focus, decreased addictive behaviors, improved outlook and mindset, among a myriad of other benefits. Some particular breathing practices are associated with different benefits depending on the type of breathwork technique performed.
Breathwork is a great coping skill, practice and habit to develop as it trains your body and mind to more easily be able to access relaxation states and combat stress. When we are stressed, our bodies sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is particularly active. The SNS is responsible for our bodies fight, flight or freeze responses, and usually should only be activated when we are faced with immediate danger, however, in modern society with everyday stressors, our bodies SNS is activated even in the absence of immediate danger. This is why it is important to be able to activate the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), responsible for relaxation and deescalating the bodies stress response. We can active the PNS and induce natural feelings of relaxation and calm simply by performing breathwork exercises.
Here are my 5 Favorite Breathwork Practices…
Square breathing
Square breathing, also known as box breathing, or 4-4-4-4 breathing, is a breathing technique that uses intermittent breath retention. It involves holding air in the lungs after inhaling and holding the breath after exhaling before repeating the cycle and breathing in again. To practice square breathing, you can sit up straight in a relaxed position with your feet planted firmly on the floor. Begin by exhaling all the air in your lungs through your mouth. Close your mouth and begin inhaling through your nose while counting to four. Hold the air at the base of your lungs while counting to four, and then slowly release the air through your mouth while counting to four. Hold your breath again for a count to four. Repeat these steps again five to twelve times, or as long as comfortable.
The benefits of square breathing include reduced stress and improved mood, improved focus, lower blood pressure, reduced feelings of breathlessness, and improved sleep to name a few. I personally like to do square breathing when I am feeling a bit sluggish and tired in the day and need a quick boost of energy, or I love doing it after someone cuts me off on the freeway or road rages on me (although I wouldn’t recommend doing this while driving as I don’t know how safe that is).
4-7-8 breathing
4-7-8 breathing is also a breathing technique that uses intermittent breath retention. It involves holding air in the lungs for a set amount of time after inhaling. To practice 4-7-8 breathing, sit up straight in a relaxed position. Breathe out through your mouth while making a whooshing sound. Then, close your mouth and use your nose to slowly breathe in through your nose while counting to four. Hold the breath for a count to seven. Then, make another whooshing sound while slowly breathing out to a count of eight. Repeat this process, breathing in for four, holding at the top for seven, and exhaling for eight, for 2 minutes to begin. Gradually increase the amount of time as you become more comfortable and used to this breathing practice.
I love to do 4-7-8 breathing when I am feeling really anxious, worried or stressed and need help calming myself down. It is really effective at getting my mind and body to focus on the breath and the present moment. Having to mentally count 4-7-8 helps me redirect my attention and focus. The benefits of 4-7-8 breathing include aiding in falling asleep, decreasing stress and anxiety, reducing cravings, improving headaches and somatic symptoms, decreased fatigue, and increased endurance.
Diaphragmatic breathing
Diaphragmatic breathing, also known as deep breathing, belly breathing, is a type of breathwork practice that utilizes the stomach, diaphragm, and abdomen. It is probably the most common breathwork practice and is usually what you will find when you go to your first yoga class. To practice the breathing, sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Begin by placing your hands on your belly just below your navel, and as you breathe in let your belly soften and expand into your hands. When you breathe out, let your belly deflate and sink down towards your spine. Now place one hand on the rib cage and the other on your belly below your navel. Inhale, allowing your belly to soften and feeling your ribs expanding. Exhale. Then, move your hand from your ribs to your chest right below your collarbone, keeping the other hand on your belly, and begin to inhale allowing your belly to expand, ribs and chest to expand. As you exhale, let your belly deflate, ribs and chest return to baseline and let everything go. Practice this diaphragmatic breathing doing five to ten breaths after waking up and before going to sleep. Continue to increase the amount of breaths performed as you become more accustomed to this practice.
Breath Focus Technique
Breath focus technique involves using imagery, mantras, affirmations, and phrases while also guiding and directing the breath. It is sometimes referred to as mindful breathing. Usually, the image or word that you choose to focus on is something positive that will make you happy or feel more calm, or it can also be something neutral to you. The key idea with this breathing technique is to utilize the image or word to induce positive feelings and relaxation and be intentional about how you direct the breath in conjunction with directing the word, phrase or image. To begin, sit or lie down in a comfortable position and just breathe normally paying attention to the breath. Then, alternate between taking some deep breaths and normal breaths. Pay attention to how your abdomen rises and falls with the deep breathing. Pay attention to how normal breathing differs from the deep breathing. Now, spend some time focusing on deep breathing for a couple minutes, placing your hand below your navel and observing how it rises and falls with each inhale and exhale. At this point, let out a loud sigh with each of your exhales. As you are accustomed to the rhythm of this deep breathing, begin to utilize breath focus technique by combining this deep breathing with the word, phrase, mantra or imagery you envisioned. You can imagine that with each inhale, the imagery is flowing through you and inducing feelings of calm and relaxation. You may even say during the inhale mentally “I am inhaling calm and relaxation”. Then, while exhaling, you can envision all the stress and worry exiting and leaving your body, mentally saying “I am exhaling stress and worry”. Try this deep breathing and breath focus technique for at least 5 minutes (start out with 2 minutes if that’s all you can do), and gradually build your way up to 10 minutes and even 20 minutes.
The benefits of breath focus technique include improved memory, focus, sleep (it’s great to do it before bedtime!), improved attention span, greater emotional regulation, among others. I personally love to do this breathing technique following a physical yoga practice, or in the evening before bedtime. I have found this breathwork practice to be most helpful in improving my sleep at night.
Alternate Nostril Yoga Breathing (ANYB)
Alternate nostril yoga breathing (ANYB) is a type of controlled breathing exercise in which you use the assistance of your thumbs to apply pressure to one nostril at a time so that you can control the flow of breath through only one nostril at a time. It is a great breathing exercise if you have a hard time sitting still while doing breathwork or need to be more actively engaged. To do ANYB, begin by getting comfortable in a seated position either on a chair or in criss-cross apple sauce. Begin by placing your right hand on your knee and your left thumb on your left nostril to close the left nostril. Begin inhaling slowly through your right nostril with your mouth closed. Then remove your thumb from your left nostril and close your right nostril with your ring finger. Hold for a moment before releasing the air through your left nostril. Now, alternate to placing your right thumb on your right nostril and breathe in through your left nostril. Then remove your right thumb from your right nostril and place your right ring finger on your left nostril. Hold for a moment and then exhale through your right nostril. Repeat this on each nostril 5 to 10 times.
ANYB helps your body and mind become more balanced, which is interesting because you are literally alternating nostrils and sides, mimicking the concept of balance to your body. It also has benefits of reducing stress and anxiety, improving cardiovascular health and resting heart rate, improving lung health and endurance, and sharpening energy and focus. I like to do this breathwork practice before I have to give a presentation, hop on an important zoom call or have some sort of meeting. It really releases the nerves and jitters and relaxes me to feel focused. I also like to do this breathing when I have tension in my shoulders as I feel like it really releases pent up energy and tension.
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Tell me, what do you guys do to incorporate breathing exercises or practices into your life? Do you have any favorites or specific routines or regimens? Would love to hear from you all your favorite or least favorite breathing exercises.
Love, Paige
My 5 Favorite Self-Care Practices
About Self-Care
Self-care is in my opinion the most important aspect to maintaining good mental health. Without practicing self-care, I feel tired, unmotivated, less productive, more cranky, experience lower self-esteem and make poorer choices. Establishing a self-care regime or routine helps me find more balance and stability in my day to day life, allowing me to accomplish things I set out to do and interact with others from a good internal working model.
Self-care essentially means carving out time in your daily life to do the things that improve your mental, physical, and spiritual health. There are a myriad of ways in which someone can practice self-care, and no one’s way of doing self-care is going to necessarily be the way that self-care works for you. We are all unique and what helps one of us, might not work for the other.
As with anything in our lives, it’s important to have self-compassion toward your self-care practice, making sure not to judge yourself for only being able to do one thing to improve your self-care, or feeling bad about not having a range of self-care practices. Whatever it is, make sure you are gentle with yourself, giving grace, thanking yourself for what you are able to do, and listening to your body. Remember, self-care practices aren’t meant to cause more stress or something extra to worry about, but in fact, they are meant to relieve you of these feelings.
Here are my 5 favorite self-care practices…
Exercise
Exercise helps me so much with my mental health. Just 30 minutes a day is all I need, although sometimes I do up to 90 minutes a day if I am feeling up to it. Not only does exercise improve my mood and energy levels, but exercise also makes me feel more confident in my body and my ability to be social. When I feel more confident in my body, my outlook and perspective towards the issues and stressors that come up through the day tends to be more positive and I tend to approach problems with the mindset that “there is nothing I can’t handle” and “I am excited to do this” instead of “what am I going to do and how” and “I don’t want to do this.”
My favorite exercises to incorporate include walking, hiking, yoga, pole dancing, and doing exercise videos such as those from the Blogilates YouTube channel. Walking and hiking get me outdoors in the fresh air and allow me to feel free. Pole dancing makes me feel strong, sexy and talented. Yoga grounds me to the present moment and enhances my spiritual life, and Blogilates exercise videos connect me to specific areas of my body.
Journaling and writing
Writing in some form or fashion is always useful in helping me transfer thoughts, feelings, beliefs and ideas into something tangible, clear and organized which helps me to solve problems, strategize, set goals and gain clarity on how to move forward. Some of the ways I incorporate writing into my self-care regime are through creating blog posts (such as the one you are reading right now), filling out prompts and worksheets found online on various topics such as identifying my triggers, goal-setting and thought logs, using a feelings wheel to identify my feelings and then writing about where I feel those feelings are coming from, writing in a gratitude journal, or simply writing in any journal whatever comes to mind without placing judgment or having any expectations.
Meditation and breathwork
Meditation for me is a practice in which I focus my attention on my breathing and the present moment. While meditating, anytime that my mind begins to wander and think about what I have to do today or that bill I have to pay or that person who cut me off on the freeway, I am reminded to refocus my attention to my breath and the present moment. Meditating is not always something that comes easily for me, and in fact, when I first started meditating I was only able to do it for 2 minutes. So do not be discouraged if you start meditating and find it boring or incredibly uncomfortable. Eventually, meditation becomes a practice that feels great and incredibly rewarding. I do not meditate everyday but when I do, I aim for a at least 5 minutes and prefer to do it in the morning after waking up. Sometimes I watch YouTube videos or use an app like Calm to help guide me through my meditations.
Breathwork involves incorporating intentional breathing exercises and practices. I specifically like to incorporate them into my meditation practice. While meditating, one of my favorite breathwork practices is to do the square breathing technique. Square breathing involves breathing in slowly for four seconds, holding the breath at the top of your lungs for four seconds, slowly exhaling through your mouth for four seconds, and then holding for four seconds before taking your next breath in. With square breathing, everything is done for four seconds. I aim to continue the four part cycle of square breathing repeatedly until I feel present, calmer and centered.
Sleep
Sleep is something I have learned over the years to be incredibly more important and necessary than I originally had thought. I have had to learn the rough way through trial and error what sacrificing even one hour of sleep can do to my mental health, and the fact of the matter is that any loss of sleep can and will have an impact on the quality of my day. I tend to be much more distracted, grouchy, rude, quick to react and irritable when I lose sleep. Everyone requires a different amount of hours of sleep a night to feel rested. For me, at this time in my life, I need about 8 to 8.5 hours of sleep a night to feel rested and if I get less than that, I can feel it. It is recommended for most adults to get between 7-9 hours of sleep a night, so I don’t suggest sleeping less than 7 hours to anyone. However, there are some people that do only need and require 6 hours a night and so if that works for you then by all means. Meanwhile, there are some people who are long sleepers who actually do require more hours. Everyone has unique sleeping needs, and it is important to honor your body’s needs.
Personally, if I am short on time and I have to decide between going to sleep now or waiting 20 minutes to complete some journaling before going to sleep, I will skip the journaling and just go to sleep. I also make sure to try and turn off cell phones and electronics 30 minutes before bedtime. I think sleep for me is the most important aspect of self-care.
Staying Connected
Connection is a fundamental human need and absolutely necessary to maintaining good mental health. As an introvert myself, I often prefer alone time and can be prone to isolating myself if I am not intentional about carving out time and making social interaction a part of my day. There was a time in my life where I failed to prioritize relationships and spending time talking or hanging out with others, and over time, I became incredibly alone and somewhat lost. This led to a range of negative emotions that I could not pull myself out of even with good sleep practices and exercising. It was only when I put myself out there and in a way quite literally forced myself to connect with others either by calling friends or family on the phone, going out for coffee or lunch/dinner, attending a local community gathering, finding a self-help group and attending meetings was I able to feel relieved and supported. Intentionally carving out time in my day to prioritize staying connected to others has allowed me to build close, intimate and deep interpersonal relationships and a community around myself.
… I am curious. What do you guys do for self-care? Feel free to comment on this blog post and let me know!
Love, Paige
Paige Raskin is The Queen of Everything, Especially Blogging…
Wow. After a year of contemplating whether or not blogging would be an effective creative outlet to express some of my innermost thoughts, opinions, viewpoints, and interests with the world, I decided that my voice deserves a place in the discourse on human affairs.
Yes, that’s right.
I, Paige Raskin, am indeed ready as ever to share parts of myself with the world through my writing. And no, I will not be making these blog posts perfect even though I really want to as an INFJ (we will get into this more later) because I want them to be an accurate reflection of who I am, and I am definitely far from perfect. Writing is what I feel at-home and at ease with doing, even when I sometimes struggle to get myself started, or when I overthink each specific word or transition used between sentences, and the list can go on. I can turn this simple blog post that you are reading now into a 80 hour project easily.
Type. Type. Type.
But, yeah, I think writing will definitely be a nice creative outlet in that it will inspire me to explore my areas of interest deeper and to share those finished works with all of you. I will love learning from readers their experiences with the blog post topic and their perspectives.
Mainly, I believe that this blogging journey can be a place where I can learn just as much, most likely more, from all of you readers. In that way, yes, my blog is being made with some selfish intentions being that I want to know everything about you and the topic in discussion. The more I know from differing readers, the greater understanding, depth, open-mindedness and appreciation I will have for the topic. Not to mention, I will get much needed practice utilizing my brain so that it does not quite literally rot away from being unused.
… I am only half kidding.
This brain has got to get a go’ing! So, here we are, slowly but surely firing it up.
Anyways…
I intend to contribute new insights (…and other jazz) to what is already out there on topics related to psychology, human behavior, trauma, addiction, spirituality, mental health and wellness, self-care, self-improvement, growth, education and research.
Honestly, I just want to write.
So, the niche of this blog will be: health and wellness. *cough cough. Subject to change.
Blogging is actually incredibly widespread and evolving in that individuals with strikingly unique, specific and even broad and common interests from places all over the world are contributing to the body of information available online. It is pretty fascinating if you think about it more closely. There is so much out there and so many voices desiring to be heard and integrated into the societal frameworks that govern each topic.
… I am EXCITED! . ..I don’t know what else to say.
MY VOICE… MY VOICE GETS TO BE A PART OF THIS WORLD?!?!?!? WHAHTTT??
… Maybe I’m a lil nervous, too. (LOL!)
My name is Paige Raskin, and I am The Queen of Everything (at least for now). Who would have thought that I would have ever started a blog? For those who know me and where I came from, I suspect it comes as a big surprise to you. Or, maybe not. For those who don’t know me, well let myself be known. Talk soon.
Love, Paige