Betrayal, Betrayal Trauma and Moving Towards Healing
What is Betrayal?
Betrayal is a type of trauma and occurs when an individual, group, institution, political framework, parent, or authority figure breaks the theoretical agreement, trust, and understanding of the intended relationship between the parties. Betrayal is an immensely painful, confusing, difficult and complex emotional experience that has effects extending beyond emotionality.
Betrayal can occur through action, inaction, neither or both, and due to this, betrayal affects everyone differently, which often causes profound confusion and isolation for victims. Betrayal trauma may impact multiple areas of life and can lead to mental and physical health conditions.
When betrayal is experienced in the form of an entrusted individual that is relied upon for support, such as a parent, institution or authority figure failing to act or provide protection, this often creates a secondary trauma, sometimes referred to as sanctuary trauma.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal is a type of trauma through the lens of Betrayal Trauma Theory, postulated in 1994 by Jennifer Freyd that seeks to address betraying circumstances when people or institutions that a person depends on for support, protection, and essential needs violate the trust and welfare of that person. In this regard, betrayal trauma is a type of interpersonal relational trauma.
Where Do We Often See Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal trauma can be experienced through many different pathways and situations.
The following are just some examples of who often experiences betrayal trauma.
Victims of child sexual abuse
Victims of parents who struggle with substance abuse and include children in substance abuse behaviors
Victims of institutional betrayal, such as an educational or legal institution failing to follow their policies and procedures, or the military failing to take sexual abuse reports seriously
Victims of moderate to severe child neglect
Victims of emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, psychological and other forms of abuse by a caregiver, close friend, partner, authority figure or institution
Victims of grooming relationships
Victims of betrayal within sugar dating relationships, sex worker relationships and other nonconforming relationships
Spouses and partners of individuals who have cheated on the other person, or betrayed their trust
Victims of domestic violence
Victims of narcissistic abuse
Victims of spiritual/religious abuse
Victims who are newcomers and/or not sober in 12-step programs who become romantically and/or sexually involved with other members who may have more time and/or sobriety
Victims of retaliation
Victims of the court system
Victims of racial trauma
Victims of health discrimination due to race, size, gender, class or other characteristics
The list can keep going. Betrayal trauma is very real and when compounded with other mental health disorders, trauma and/or addiction, its consequences are more severe.
What Are Some Common Effects of Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal is an immensely painful, confusing, difficult and complex emotional experience that has effects extending beyond emotionality.
Betrayal Trauma Theory emphasizes the role that betrayal plays as a precursor for the development of dissociation, which ultimately serves a survival purpose to keep the victim in the relationship with the abuser. This can be extremely detrimental for those who are in abusive relationships and not able to leave because in order to remain in the relationship, victims of betrayal trauma often will experience dissociative amnesia or other dissociative experiences to block the pain experienced in the relationship.
Extensive research has shown significant links between the development of significant betrayal trauma and dissociative and traumatic disorders, such as Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Additionally, it’s been linked to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), stress related and adjustment disorders, dissociative disorders, schizophrenia, psychosis and psychotic features, eating disorders and substance use disorders. This is not to say that anyone who experiences a betrayal trauma will develop any of these aforementioned disorders (i don’t like labels fyi just as a side note. You are human); however, the likelihood increases in relationship with the duration, intensity and level of reliance the individual places on the caregiver, authority figure or institution.
Facilitating Healing From Betrayal Trauma
It is therefore crucial to seek early intervention when experiencing betrayal trauma and take steps to help yourself heal from the betrayal trauma and get support in an environment that allows you to feel safe, heard, seen and listened to.
Meaningful, Deep, Authentic Connections
A crucial aspect of healing from betrayal trauma is finding someone with whom you can have a connection with who you can trust wholeheartedly. I am a firm believer that deep, meaningful and authentic connections can be major sources of healing. Therefore, I recommend speaking with a close friend or confidant. If you are having difficulty trusting anyone, perhaps speak with a licensed mental health professional who is bound ethically to confidentiality and other regulations. Another alternative can be speaking with a mental health coach, particularly one who is trauma informed. It may be beneficial to find a coach or therapist with lived experience of recovering from betrayal trauma.
Try to Avoid Self-Blaming and Shaming - It Is Not Your Fault!
This is easier said than done, but it is extremely necessary that victims of betrayal trauma work on removing feelings of self-blame, self-doubt, and other limiting beliefs out of their cognitive schemas and instead work on integrating new, healthy and positive beliefs about themselves. One way to do this is the moment a negative, limiting thought or belief comes into mind, pause and take a deep breath, and say to yourself “I do not want to have this thought right now because it is not useful or conducive to my healing. I am releasing this thought until it is safe to talk about it and process it.” Then, follow up by telling yourself how strong you are, or whatever other positive affirmations make you feel good. It helps, trust me!
Practice Self-Care
You have probably heard this one enough, but it is also important. But, how can I practice self-care when I feel so ill and fatigued and terrible after everything I have experienced? The answer is you can, but it will just take some extra effort and you will just have to start out slow. Some self-care practices I enjoy, especially during periods of rumination or excessive worry about betrayal trauma experiences I have had are to:
Go on a walk outdoors or do an indoor walking meditation
Watch a 10 minute or so guided meditation YouTube video
Take a cold or hot shower, whatever floats your boat!
Wash my face
Play with my animals
Call someone on the phone
Take some deep breaths
Read an uplifting or neutral book
Draw, paint, do art or make a vision board
Tapping technique (I will possibly make a video on this soon!)
Organize an area of my living space
Drink some water and eat some vibrant fruits or veggies
Sing songs out loud even if it sucks + dance when nobody is watching
Take a nice bath
Do a face mask or skincare routine
Go get nails, hair, massage, facial or some other service done
Sit in the sunlight and sunbathe
Allow Yourself to Feel The Anger and The Pain
People who have been through betrayal trauma often are not allowed to express their emotions or have been denied the ability to be heard, listened to and taken seriously or protected. Because of this, anger, sadness, pain and other emotions have been suppressed and have not been properly released from the body. Try to allow yourself to cry, or to sit with your anger and notice the pain and tell yourself as different feelings and sensations come up that you are safe and you are loved and you are going to be okay, and then just pour your heart out in tears if you need to and scream into a pillow. It’s ok to scream and cry for a long time! Let it out. Hug yourself, too!
Practice Self-Compassion and Self-Forgiveness
It is important to be kind to yourself throughout the process of healing from betrayal trauma. Being kind looks like allowing yourself to feel, cry, and experience emotions when they come up without judgment or avoidance. It looks like nurturing your body and mind with foods and thoughts that make you feel good and not bad about yourself. It means saying positive self-affirmations and nice things to yourself when negative self-talk and intrusive thoughts occur. It means forgiving yourself most importantly for feeling behind everyone else, or feeling like your pain has caused so many others pain, or feeling responsible for some aspect of what happened even though it wasn’t your fault. You have to let go of any of these self-accusatory and demeaning beliefs, and focus on forgiving yourself for all the time you think you may have wasted. You haven’t wasted anything. You are healing and healing takes a long time. Not many people talk about just how hard it is to heal and that healing is actually painful at times and not pleasant. So, please, just be kind to yourself. Mantras and affirmations are really good for this!
So… With All That Being Said…
Experiencing betrayal is traumatic and can cause profound difficulties with coping, stress, life, and even cause mental and physical ailments. It is hurtful and very confusing to go through betrayal in any form.
But, you are not alone.
You will get through this and come out the other side. Also, remember that connections are incredibly important!
Practice taking care of yourself and the way you treat yourself so that the negative effects can be avoided as much as possible of experiencing betrayal trauma. Do not betray yourself and further perpetuate the betrayal trauma. You are worty and deserving of love, self-love and healing. You absolutely deserve nurturing relationships, genuine care and support, and emotionally available people in your life. Seek help from a professional when necessary. Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to rest. If you can not find a close friend or someone you trust to confide in about what you are feeling and experiencing, I would like to invite you to explore attending a support group, or meeting with a trauma recovery coach, or a therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma.
Let’s connect.
(Disclaimer: Nothing in this post is constituted as medical, therapeutic or professional advice, this is just information).
